"Son, be a colonist". Is what Dad said to me.
"It's a cushy life, and you'll get alien real-estate for free". So I talked to the recruiter to see if this was so.
He smiled at me, the nicest smile, and said, "Kid, dont you know? A colonists job is easy, a colonists wages high. A colonists pension plan would make a civil servant cry. Theres never any danger, theres always lots of fun, and as for job security its better than a nuns".
<"Kid, Id like you to meet somebody. His official title is Commander, but Id like you to think of him as more of a social coordinator".>
If I ever get back home again, if I ever get back home again, if I ever get back home again, that recruiters going to die. <Cause Im here to tell you folks, the rosy picture that he painted bore no resemblance to reality.>
Some say the Cyth are evil, they say theyre misunderstood. <"If youd just do things our way, it would serve the greater good".> They seek to reach a higher place, a more enlightened mode. Meanwhile if you get in their way, your brain just might explode.
The Re'lu seem to think they simply can not be outclassed. They're so vain that less cultured folk, <Yeah less cultured folk, like say for instance the Queen of England.> Seem barbaric by contrast. Their access to your brain includes both read and write. They turn your units into theirs, and no ones left to fight. <Bob, Bob, whats wrong. "I dont know Jim, they, they just seemed like such nice fellas".>
If I ever get back home again, if I ever get back home again, if I ever get back home again, that recruiters going to die.
ChCh-t need new worlds expand, more than the others do. For like their cockroach cousins, there's never just one or two. They multiply like vermin, make tireless labor crews, and carry off your resources like ants at picnics do.
The Maug are weak and sickly and their horns are mostly fake. The Cyth took their home planet, more poisons for to make. But for such whining wheasers, theyre an engineering bunch. Give them a rock, and theyll invent the Warp Drive before lunch.
If I ever get back home again, if I ever get back home again, if I ever get back home again, that recruiters going to die.
The Uva Mosk think that theyre Mother Natures strong right arm, and they are more than willing to blast those who do her harm. Their camouflaging units will pop up behind your lines, so youd better give a hoot cause you wont like their littering fines.
The Tarth are big, the Tarth are tough, the Tarth will cause you pains. Theyre not too bright, but when you can head-butt buildings, who needs brains. They make the greatest farmers, but as spies they suck, you see. They try to hide their six-foot width, behind a one-foot tree. <This is KGAL, your news and information station on Gallius IV. Here with a correction to last weeks editorial reply, noted public figure, the Uber General. > <"Tarth cooks make best stroodle. Thats all, just stroodle".>
Add to that the Skirineen, whod sell their mothers eyes, and you can see why I might not think this job is a prize. So if I manage to survive, Im going back to Earth. But I think Ill keep my laser gun, just for sentimental worth.
If I ever get back home again, if I ever get back home again, if I ever get back home again, that recruiter is gonna to die.
<*****> = Spoken by the singer.
<"***"> = Spoken by singer, as an impersonation.